A Little Collection of Light Verse

by Scott Emmons
illustrated by Chris Harding

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Rants

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FLAK
An Ongoing Rant

"Difficile est saturam non scribere."
("It's difficult not to write satire.")
--Juvenal

A cantankerous muse with a very short fuse
Has of late been my chief inspiration.
I've devoted this page to my smoldering rage
At the state of the world and the nation.
For when tempers have flared and the sabers are bared
And the world situation is dicey,
When deficit spending shows no sign of ending,
When gasoline's ever more pricey,
When Phelps is devoting his life to promoting
A horribly twisted morality,
When Joe Millionaire can get put on the air
And it's somehow passed off as "reality,"
When a couple of pricks get their profits and kicks
By recruiting the homeless for "fights,"
When cures are at hand but the research is banned
For the sake of an embryo's rights,
When psychopaths, losers, and substance-abusers
Get famous by schmoozing with Springer,
When the infamous Jacko insists he's not wacko,
When Britney can pass for a singer,
When Enron execs get phenomenal checks
While the grunts get a song and a dance,
When bin Laden has flown, when Raelians clone,
It's impossible NOT to write rants!!!


I don't want to complain, but it tortures my brain
When I try to make sense of humanity.
It's disturbing to see, but I think you'll agree
That the world's on the brink of insanity!
Consider the boob who's a slave to the tube
And who thinks that Blind Date is "da bomb";
The contemptible schmuck who sends even a buck
To the cause of SaveKaryn-Dot-Com;
The New Age physician who claims it's his mission
To heal you with methods holistic;
The clueless crusader who voted for Nader
(The thought of it drives me ballistic!);
The wide-eyed, ecstatic Islamic fanatic
Who "martyrs" himself into heaven;
The guy who's so wack he believes that Iraq
Is the culprit behind 9-11;
The Internet blogger, the five a.m. jogger,
The white boy who bellows the blues...
And even their ranks can't compare with the cranks
In the latest celebrity news!
There's Anna Nicole, Martha Stewart, Bob Dole,
Bill Gates, Ozzy Osbourne, Tom Green,
Dr. Phil, Halle Berry, J. Lo and Jim Carrey,
Al Sharpton, and Avril Lavigne.
There's Sylvester Stallone, Eminem, Sharon Stone,
Michael Moore, Angelina Jolie,
There's Liza Minelli, the brothers Farelly,
Madonna, Roseanne, Kathie Lee!
There's Rosie O'Donnell, John Tesh, Mitch McConnell,
There's Oprah, Don Imus, Montel...
There are more, I admit, but their names wouldn't fit
In this rhythmical scheme quite so well.
Now perhaps you conjecture this ill-humored lecture
Conveys some significant theme.
Try thinking again, for what flows from my pen
Is no more than a versified scream.
There's no point, I'm afraid, to this lengthy tirade,
No message intended to linger.
This is not meant to preach, to enlighten or teach;
It's my method of giving the finger!




Murphy on Money


If your income is increasing,
There's a rule you ought to know.
If you make an extra dollar,
Then a light bulb's going to blow.
If you make an extra ten,
The price of gas is going to rise.
If you make an extra twenty,
Then your toaster oven dies.
If you make an extra fifty,
Then your sink will spring a leak.
If you make an extra hundred,
Then your brakes will start to squeak.
If you make an extra thousand,
Higher taxes will ensue.
If you make an extra million,
Oh my God, I pity you!




I've Got Mail!

My e-mail box is always full.
The stuff just never stops.
I've won a trip to Zanzibar,
And I can learn to play guitar
In seven lessons, tops!

A great new herbal supplement
Will make me feel like new.
My Johnson isn't big enough,
But Doctor Pud will sell me stuff
To add an inch or two.

For one flat fee I'll get to see
The sluts of Old New York.
My brain is in an e-mail haze.
Good God, I miss those simple days
When Spam was jellied pork!





Hell


There's a special place in Hell, there's a special place in Hell
Where the rankest souls are tortured (and they're tortured very well!)
Were the punishment is fitted to the crime, so I've heard tell.
True justice is delivered in that special place in Hell!

The telephone receptionist who "cares about your call"
But somehow never manages to answer you at all
Is fated to remain on hold thtrough all eternity
While listening to ABBA as performed by Kenny G.

The pious type who peddles his religion door to door
Must hear the Hare Krishnas chant each day from eight to four.
The over-eager businessman who spams his clientele
Watches enless infomercials in that special place in Hell.



The schmuck who fears his manhood isn't all it ought to be
And compensates by driving an obnoxious SUV
Must crawl in one-lane traffic up a narrow mountain trail
In a clanky little Kia with a Kenworth on his tail.

The anti-evolutionists who push their dippy views
Are given full lobotomies to bolster their I.Q.s.
The slimy pseudo-doctor with a supplement to sell
Is a drunken surgeon's victim in that special place in Hell.

There's a special place in Hell, there's a special place in Hell.
It's a place of pain and anguish, but I think it's pretty swell.
For it holds the worst of sinners like a giant Roach Motel,
And the fiends get their comeuppance in that special place in Hell!







Copyright Notice:
All written content on this site ©2002-2003 Scott W. Emmons